Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
