Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
