When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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