i already hear my dad disowning me
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
