That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just found puke in my bra..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
