Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
