Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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