Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
