my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
