She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
