I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
FUCK WHALES
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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