I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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