um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
