it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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