yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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