I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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