His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
