broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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