non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
