and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
