Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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