Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
