The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
