I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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