He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize