I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
