Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
