u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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