I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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