Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
