her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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