just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
