You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
