ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize