Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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