what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
