ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
