Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
