things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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