I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
