my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
