My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
