either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
