It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
