I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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