If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
