My girlfriend figured out who you are.
no, he came in my armpit
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize