So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
