i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
