It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
