I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
