1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
