Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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