Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
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