Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
