Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
